5 posts tagged “friends”

Courtesy of the fridayfive livejournal community and hat tip to catdraco.

1. What's one of the nicest things a friend has ever done for you?

This is hard. I think the moment I'll always remember was when I was married to my ex-husband. We were living in Germany and he was off on one of his more troublesome binges and had gotten himself into MP custody. My neighbour, who wasn't a friend as much as the husband of a friend, drove me to where he had left our only car so that I could have the car to find out what was going on. When we'd gotten there, I'd thanked him again, feeling ashamed and embarassed to have to trouble people at 5am for personal problems. He said, "My father was an alcoholic so I know what it's like. Let me know if you need anything."

While the Army was blaming me for not being able to control my husband or "causing" him to drink and beat me - whatever it was that they thought was my fault about his behavior and choices - it was a wake-up to have someone say what was going on and have such empathy. Many of my friends have done stunningly wonderful things throughout the years, both before and after this moment and I can overwhelm readers with a list of just a portion of it all. Friends can be incredible individuals and their selflessness and thoughtfulness can really take my breath away. There was just something about this moment that was so necessary that I'll never forget it.

2. What's one of the nicest things a stranger has ever done for you?

"Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." Blanche DuBois, Street Car Named Desire.

I don't ask anything of strangers outside of photography needs. There have been many times when strangers have stopped to help change a tire, jump a battery, push my car out of a mud puddle (or try to push it from a snowbank), give a tow, help lift something heavy into my car, point out a rainbow, or generally make my life easier and more enjoyable. Mind you, all of these instances have been men but there was no ulterior motive since no phone numbers were offered or any of that... although there has been that a time or two, but I'm not counting those times. I still remember the guy in the suit and tie who taught me how to pump gas at the Speedway when I was a sixteen year-old new driver and was fumbling through the steps. I'm not sure what it is about me that sends out the Damsel In Distress alarm or what would bring someone to think that, out of a parking lot full of people, I'd be the one to share a rainbow sighting with. But I appreciate it just the same.

3. What is a trait in another person that you instantly admire, and that draws you to them?

I love confidence, sarcasm and openness. When I meet someone in person, I will like them instantly if they're nice people. And I aim to like people so I'm looking for the nice. When I like them, I treat them the same whether I've known them five minutes or fifteen years. When someone can be open like that, or even moreso, I love that. It means we're on the same page. Sarcasm is just a humour preference. If someone is sarcastic, they will appreciate a lot of my jokes and that's important to me. I love to make people laugh and I like big smiles. And confidence speaks for itself. I'm really drawn to people who know who they are and can carry themselves well. I don't always have confidence and I admire people who do.

4. What is a trait in another person that instantly repels you, and prevents you from forming a close relationship with them?

Stand-offishness, selfishness, cruelty... the basics. I don't like mean people. Being antisocial, or stand-offish, isn't really mean but I interpret the indifference that comes with that, the ignoring that people do as a part of it, as mean and disrespectful. I don't want to be treated that way. 

5. Time to vent: tell us about something rotten someone has done to you.

I really try to forget things like that. There have been things from time to time where someone is inexcusably rude or someone just has a piss poor attitude, but even when something is acted out directly against me, I don't really consider it my problem as much as it's their problem for being such an asshole. I have the easy part, which is forgetting they exist, whereas they have to live with themselves, which is much harder. Don't get me wrong, things do hurt me (probably more than they should) but I don't see the productivity in hanging out dirty laundry.

We arrived at the drop off in Rensselaen, IN a bit early, had some breakfast and waited for my mother to arrive. After placing many things that were in her car into my car, and many things that were in my car into her car, I said a tough goodbye to Michael and Eddie and we parted ways. My mother took them back to her house and I began the 1100-mile drive home.

These things are extraordinarily difficult for me emotionally. I can take the travel, the long driving, the weather changes, and the strain, but I really cannot stand telling my children goodbye and not seeing them for periods of time. Anything longer than a weekend is just too long. So, after I quit sobbing at 80mph and pulled myself together, I called a friend to let her know how close I was to being back in town.

Architecturally significant building

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Kevin and Tracey, once again, were gracious hosts. This time, they guided me around Bardstown, which is Tracey's hometown. We visited a few of the many historical places in the city, including their beautiful church, and had a yummy dinner at Chili's. I monopolised them for the entire afternoon and really had a lot of fun.

I made it to Franklin, TN, about 100 miles north of Chattanooga. When I get too tired to drive, my eyesight stops working long before my body or mind show any signs of fatigue. My vision gets blurry and I have trouble keeping my eyes focused, even with my glasses on, that's my signal to get off the road immediately. It's a peculiar way for my body to work, but at least I'll never fall asleep at the wheel. I'm in a Days Inn, which I rate with two thumbs up, four stars, or whathaveyou. It's clean, it's stocked, everything works, I have Comedy Central and HBO, a big desk, a big bed, a nice bathroom, a great view, etc etc etc. The price is $10 more than previous places. This is getting marked as a spot to stop at. 

I kept an average speed of 80mph, needing to bring myself down to 70mph when the winds were trying to push my car around the road. After leaving Indiana, the weather cleared back up. It was still cold but there's a big difference between having some wind and freezing cold and having heavy wind, freezing cold and large snowflakes pelted on you. I spent $80 in fuel and currently have a full tank. Traffic has been light.

I still anticipate arriving home tomorrow.

My mother took Michael and Eddie to a movie and then they shopped for my father since it's his birthday. My father had a birthday party, kid-style, and the boys had a great time with it. Their father should pick them up from my parents' house tomorrow evening, if they follow the instructed times in the letters sent to everyone from everyone about this visitation. My ex-husband is all about pulling stunts now that I've filed this Petition to Domesticate, but I'm hoping and praying that this visitation goes off without a hitch or stunt. December 24 - January 4... it doesn't have to be difficult.

Little Altars Everywhere: A Novel

When my baby was born, my husband bought me this book to occupy myself during the boring hours of the hospital stay. He knew how much of a fan I am of Rebecca Wells' Ya-Ya books. As it turns out, I didn't have time to read it. It was only this month that I finally cracked the binding. Yesterday, a mere two weeks after starting to read bits and pieces when I could, I closed the back cover and was finished. Fiction isn't usually my choice but once in a while there is an authour who makes me care about her characters and brings a story that touches me. Wells has managed such a thing with her group of Ya-Ya's in Thornton, LA.

As the third novel in the series, Little Altars Everywhere branched further into the Ya-Ya's and fellow Thornton denizens. We jumped from timeline to timeline and came parallel to stories we've read before, but now from a different perspective. We got to know the Petite Ya-Ya's as adults in a way that previous books just didn't have the space to give us, and are introduced to the Tres Petites, the grandchildren of the original four wild queens.

It's what my husband would most definitely label "a chick book" as it does focus on the inner strength of women, feelings and relationships, but I believe it's more than my reproductive organs and gender identity that connects with

Tom, Mike and Ed down in the water

this series. We all have families and time marches on, with or without us, whether we pay attention or not. The serene carribean ocean is vast just as the baby is growing. Both forces are just too big to stop. That can be comforting, but it can also be alarming if you realise how many moments you've already missed because something little, something that's altogether trivial, was more important. How much time is spent building the safety net of family, where brothers and sisters rely on each other? I have no connection to my brothers and sisters and, at this point in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I do wish they were different people so that I could feel bad for not having a stronger net, but

Tommy at Englewood Beach

as they are, I don't have much confidence in any of them. The ship has sailed, so they say. For my children, the emphasis on family is a strong one. They have an opportunity to grow together and support one another, accepting and forgiving as family ought to do. They have an opportunity to be better people. I believe they already are better people, in spite of all the negative influences. I watch my older sons wade their way into the Gulf, swimming on their own but staying close enough to each other, and I see their baby brother keeping a watch on them from the beach. While the oldest is still a bossy first-born, the middle still cries foul, the daughter still steals the limelight and the baby still gets his way, I see an acceptance and happiness they have in each other that can't be duplicated anywhere else. It sustains them when they're away from each other and helps them to find the joy in life anywhere they are. They have the security of knowing they will always be there for each other. That love and support will always be there.

Bailey

It's inspiration to have more good times. Is inspiration needed for such a thing? Sometimes it is. I have an occassional desire to cocoon, one which is self-destructive since I'm extroverted and need positive interaction with people to feel energised. Bumps in the roads break my stride and I begin to feel unsure, so I slow down, stop, or withdraw. When the safety net that my friends have become give me the kick in the butt I need, whether they realised they've done it or not, I'm back moving again. If I were to trust and rely on them consistently, I'd never cocoon. It's their support and honesty that has pushed me forward and lent me confidence on many things that I never would have had otherwise. It also helps that they're smarter than me and know what they're talking about.

A lot of us move around in our lifetimes and begin new chapters to our lives in places we've never been before. We have friends that we have to email or call long-distance instead of meet for a coffee or a beer in the evening. A lot of us are thousands of miles away from the trees we climbed as children or the places we parked as teenagers. But an "altar" is about more than a physical manifestation of a memory. It's the representation of that memory and what that memory means to us. It's a representation of the happiness, strength and security. There are little altars everywhere, not just in Thornton, LA with a fictional bunch of women and their fictional children. We all have our own altars that we treasure going back to, when we take the time to remember what means the most to us.

From Jennifer: Michael and Bailey

"From Jennifer: Michael and Bailey" photo courtesy of Jennifer Bensley, taken 2001 in Romeoville, Illinois.  

Tommy and Bailey were baptised this morning after 9am Mass. Tommy was the worst he's ever been. Usually, I have a routine with him that includes his sippy cup and a few toys while he sits contently in his stroller. Not this morning! Tom and I took turns chasing after him in the entrance, hoping the energy would burn off before the Baptisms.

When it came time for the blessing, Tommy batted Fr. Pat's hand away! Of course, Fr. Pat made a joke to the entire congregation. It was embarassing but what can you do? He's a toddler.

Tommy behaved better for the Baptism, although he squirmed. After being annoited, he calmed down and quit fussing.

Fr. Pat was very quick with the Baptisms. I'm sure he's had fussy children before.

For some reason Bailey's dad felt obligated to bring his violent wife. The invitation wasn't extended to anyone other than the biological father of my daughter, but for once she didn't act like an attention whore or try to dominate the situation. Still, I think I'll include his consent in the custody papers so I don't have to mess with this situation ever again. What puzzles all of us is that Tim photoshopped up a fake baptism picture with a picture of Bailey that was taken at a different time. It was really inappropriate. The frame is beautiful (and expensive) so we will put Bailey's baptismal certificate in the frame and trash the fake baptism picture. They also bought both children gifts. I don't know how they afforded all this when he's not paying any child support. Really inappropriate. We didn't get our children anything because we can't afford it. Period.

Greg seemed to assume the position of Godfather for both Tommy and Bailey and I think he made away with Tommy's Baptism candle. Fr. Pat wasn't quite clear that the candle stays with the child, but is the responsibility of the godparents to celebrate the Baptism each year. I can't say it matters much right now, as long as he doesn't lose it. He may take his position more seriously than I'd anticipated. Greg was raised Catholic, after all. If so, I may ask Susan to change the information on Bailey, Michael and Eddie's baptisms to reflect Greg as godfather for them, too. I'm hoping scheduling works out with the Baptisms, School, Religious Education and Job that doesn't push anything more behind schedule than it's been.

Tom's sisters and parents came after Mass for the Baptisms. Tom's mother has chronic back problems and an hour Mass in those hardwood pews would have put her in excruciating pain. I was very grateful to see Tom's family come in attendance to support Tommy and Bailey, despite the differences in their beliefs. Tom's sister, Vickie, served as Proxy for Tracey, their godmother, who couldn't make it but had put a lot of thought and detail into her Baptismal gifts for the children to help convey what she would have done had she been able to attend. It takes a long time and a chunk of change to get from Bardstown, Kentucky to North Port, Florida. You don't make that trip on a tight budget.

Tom's parents were kind enough to take our party of nine out to lunch. After that, we all parted ways.

It's been an exhausting morning, thanks to chasing Tommy around. I can hardly believe it's not even 2pm.

I'm late to the party, as usual, but I am finally catching up on my social networking. As shouldn't be surprising, MySpace's very existence had soured me on the idea of "social networking" and I crawled back under my livejournal rock, secluded to communication with only my livejournal friends within the confines of the livejournal communities. I think MySpace can have that affect on anyone over the age of twenty-four.

My Facebook is up and I'm getting a handle on that site, as well as the Vox site.

Since these are public posts, we'll be dealing with numbers instead of names:
Son1, Son2, Daughter, Son3, StepDaughter1, and StepDaughter2.

My husband will be referred to by his username, since he is guaranteed to start a vox in the next day or two. He follows me everywhere. ;)

Posts where I cover the events related to each family member might get long. That's inevitable when you have four children and two step-children.